How to Listen

Slow down: Everything covered herein is essentially about slowing down.

Content vs style: The majority of communication seems to be style. That is, body language, tone of voice, timing, etc. At any rate, be mindful of focusing merely on the content when communicating with your significant other.

Ask yourself: How much this conversation can I control? Am I gesturing wildly? Am I hurling insults? Am I paraphrasing? Am I the doing the things we discussed in therapy?

Ask yourself: How much of this is mine? In any given conversation, we bring our own issues to bare that may not actually be germane to the situation but actually be reflective of our own history/fears/hopes/entitlements etc. This is another way of talking about projection.

Be Curious: Instead of making assumptive statements, be curious. That is, instead of assuming what your partner’s intentions are, or what they meant by saying XYZ, just ask! Being curious is always better than reading your loved one the riot act.

If you have no idea what to say: If you have no idea what to say, ask, or do, remember the question “How can I support you in this moment” (or its near equivalent) can be super useful. 

Don’t assume: Don’t assume your partner or loved one knows what you want, what you are thinking, or what your intentions are. Don’t hold them accountable for facts, emotions or ideas that you feel they “should have known”.  Another way of saying this: the people you love probably aren’t psychic.

Try not to take everything you hear personally: This dovetails with the idea of “How much of this is mine?” and I believe is otherwise self-explanatory.

Checking in: Ask your partner, “How are you feeling right now?” “How do you feel this conversation is going?”

Being right: Try to forgo being right in the name of having a constructive conversation.

Don’t interrupt: Just don’t. If you’re not sure whether or not they are done speaking…ask them.

Eye rolling/sighing:  Eye rolling is generally seen as a sign of contempt.  Sighing is generally seen as a sign of irritation or annoyance.

No emotional texting:  Limit texting to information/scheduling. For example: “Hey when is a good time to talk?” or “What is your schedule like this week?” or “When should I expect you to arrive?” etc. Generally speaking, texting is not suited for expressing feelings (with the exception of super polite inquiries such as “I miss you, can you call me?” or “I’m concerned about you, is everything ok?” etc.  

Body scan: Scan yourself during an argument (or conversation that seems to be heading in that direction) and see how you are doing internally. Is your heart beginning to race? Are your palms sweaty? Is your breath shortening? Remember that the frontal cortex ceases to function properly as our heart rate elevates. A body scan might help you know when to slow down or table a discussion for later.  One of the single most important things you can do is to avoid arguments that do real damage to the relationship. 

Paraphrasing—paraphrase what your partner just said and then ask “Did I get all of that?” If you didn’t, paraphrase again and add the piece you missed. This will help your partner feel heard and validated. Much of the time, when we are in a super-heated emotional state, we don’t want solutions so much as we wish to be heard.

I statements—“What I am hearing you say…” “When you say X, I feel….” “My experience when XYZ occurred, or when you said XYZ was…” and so on. This takes the often accusatory nature of an observation about ones significant other out of the equation and merely allows the speaker to relay their experience of the moment without sounding as though they are passing judgment.

And vs But: Be sure to use “And” instead of “But” as the latter negates the previous statement. “I love you AND we need to have a conversation about boundaries.” Etc.   

Tabling a conversation for later: You can even ask “when would be a good time to continue this conversation?” Or “Yesterday we had a discussion about X, I was wondering if we could continue this discussion at some point?” Also, if you find yourselves in a really heated argument, it can be good to take a break, go to separate locations and write down your thoughts and feelings. This way, when you return to the conversation, your heart rate is (hopefully) lowered and your thoughts and feelings will have been processed to some degree. Again, if you do leave the room, tell the other person where you are going, when you will return, and say something kind/loving as you do.

Golden opportunities: Develop an ear for when conversation between you and the person are “clicking”. While moving towards a more salient conversation isn’t always in the cards, the single most opportune time to have an important conversation is when the two of you are engaged and are experiencing a strong rapport.

Respond rather than react: Really, most of the pointers in this document are a form of responding instead of reacting. It’s really about stepping into consciousness around what you are saying rather than impulsively biting someone’s head off. Let me put it this way: If you literally have to take a long breath (in for a count of 4 out for a count of 6) in the middle of the conversation, please do so. When we react instead of respond, we generally come from a place of anger, resentment or contempt, which helps no one.

De-escalation techniques/grounding exercises:

1.     A few concrete instructions: Laying on the floor; taking your shoes off and walking around in the grass or sand; splashing cold water on your face; grabbing an ice cube from the freezer; breathing through your lower diaphragm. The 54321 exercise: when you’re feeling really heated or panicked, look around the room and identify 5 things you can see, 4 things you can feel, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell, and name 1 positive thing about yourself. Activating the vegas nerve: belly breathing, putting cold ice on your chest, saying the word “Vooooooo…” (apparently this activates the back of your throat which is connected to the vegas nerve. I’ve also heard that gargling water can help) 

2.     Learn to talk to yourself when you’re feeling “hot”. That is, have an internal dialogue about the situation at hand and how you feel and how you think the healthiest way to manage the situation might be.  If you feel yourself getting to around a 4/5 it is probably time to action of one kind or another—usually this involves employing a de-escalation or communication technique of one kind or another. Again: the worst thing that can happen are conversations or interaction that damage the relationship/family/connection. It is also my understanding that the frontal cortex, the seat of our executive functioning, does not operate as well when your heart rate is elevated.   

3.     If you feel yourself getting over heated, leave the room. The arbitrary number I apply to this is usually around a 7/8, but you are free to make your up your own relative scale. In addition, if you do choose to leave the room/house, be sure to tell the other person that:  

a.     a) you need to leave the conversation

b.     b) where you are going and when you will return

c.      c) that you love them/some other kind word or gesture

4.     Yelling: if you see two people engaged in a loud argument, please do not intervene with more heat/yelling. It will only make it worse. Only intervene if there is a real safety issue. Another tip: your desire to be right probably isn’t helping the situation

5.     Make a practice of noticing activities or events that help you relax/de-escalate. That is, when do you move from a 7.5 to a 7? Just take note. This process is different for everyone and is really a good habit to develop generally. 

A few words on self care and structure

Remaining a united front: have conversations about the family on a schedule. That is, pick a time for the two of you to talk about family matters generally.

Aggressively seek self-care: yoga, exercise, mediation, therapy, etc. Existing in a perpetual state of exhaustion and overwhelm (if that is in fact what is going on) is detrimental for your mental, emotional and physical well-being. In addition, your ability to “help” is so depleted that your efforts will often cause more harm than good. The idea here is that you have to help yourself in order to help others. The classic analogy is the instruction you hear on airplanes when the parent is told to put the O2 mask over themselves before putting it on their child.

A few unrelated but useful ideas

Reducing reactivity.  The struggle to reduce reactivity often hampers healthy communication. That is, a competition for space during interactions increases because folks are not feeling heard. This desire to be heard coupled with the difficulty of sitting and listening and reflecting causes a self-perpetuating and destructive loop as one dynamic feeds off and amplifies the other.  You know you’re in this loop when folks begin to interrupt one another and voices continue to rise in volume.

The Identified Patient: This is an important one. In a system that exhibits instability, usually one party is singled out as “the problem”.  In a sense, that person carries the pain of the family and also expresses it. Towards this end, in any given difficult interaction, it is important to ask yourself, “How much of this is mine.”

Modeling behavior: As you know, children are sponges. They see and hear and absorb everything. Whatever you can do, for yourself and between each other, to increase healthy communication within your household will have a positive reverberating effect.